To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
BRING THE BAGELS
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
