Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
