i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
