I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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