i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
