I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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