yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
