Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
