I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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