Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
