My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
