how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
