drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
