Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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