He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
