I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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