everyone is single if you try hard enough
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
