a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
