have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
