Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
