he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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