I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
