I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
