Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
