why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
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Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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