Screwed.edu
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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