I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
