I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
