when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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