Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
