and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
