well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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