Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
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I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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