Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
