i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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