I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
