I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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