And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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