don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
