Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
