dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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