You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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