why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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