The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
