I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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