Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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