he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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