My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
