i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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