I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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