I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
