if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
