I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
