can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
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Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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