sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
