i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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