what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
We got so high we made milksteak
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i believe in u and ur pee
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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