I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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