Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
