Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
